THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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