could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
