I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize