Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
