life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize