I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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