So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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