My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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