i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You made out with two different species that night
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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