The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
