love makes seman taste better
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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