Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
