you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
