Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
