Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When are your genitals available?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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