It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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