I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
