I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's blow job season.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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