he shaved USA in his pubs
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
