it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
