I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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