I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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