My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
