i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
