captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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