her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
