First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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