New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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