I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
