ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
