I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
