Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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