her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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