she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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