I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
