drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
