my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
