Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
