and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
