Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
