I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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