i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize