Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize