omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
