feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
