hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
