I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
