I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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