Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i need some magic done to my vagina
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
