I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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