From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
