Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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