Your face is a jimmy john
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
