I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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