my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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