genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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