Define "chronic" masturbator.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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