I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
