My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
barbara walters just said penis...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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